Dear Lucy, 

I’ve been having some tension with my roommate, and it’s affecting my mood and school life. How would you suggest resolving conflicts like this? I don’t like confrontation.

From, 

Concerned Roommate

Dear Concerned Roommate,

Ah, roommate conflicts. We’ve all been there — especially when you’ve had limited or no say in whom you’re living with. Tension between you and your roommates can make it hard to feel safe in your space, focus on work, and enjoy your life. 

A great way to prevent potential tension is to be open about what you need from the outset. Studies have shown that explicitly communicating personal feelings and needs — such as through roommate agreements — is the most effective way to maintain positive roommate relationships and decrease psychological stress. 

Agreements also help you avoid a common pitfall in the roommate relationship, assuming that your definition of common sense or “being considerate” matches their definition. In reality, every family and culture has their own ideas of these things, so clear communication is the only way to ensure you’re on the same page. 

For example, if you and your roommate agree to keep common areas clean, define what “clean” entails. Does it mean no food coating the stovetop? Or no dirty dishes in the sink? Do you want to make sure the floor is cleaned just as often as the counters? Tell your roommate specifically, and then listen for their response. 

If they have a concern or are uncertain about something because it’s not the way their family does it, don’t bulldoze forward. Ignoring potential discomfort often leads the other person to give up on the agreement, especially when other aspects of their lives become more stressful or time-consuming. 

Instead, discuss their hesitation in a non-judgmental way. For example, when my roommates requested that I use a Swiffer instead of a broom and dustpan, like I was used to, I told them I had never used a Swiffer. They walked me through it, and their patience ensured that we all felt comfortable going forward. (I also discovered Swiffer’s superiority to brooms.) 

Although it’s ideal to have these discussions when you first move in, it’s never too late to start. You can say something like, “Now that we’ve been living together for a while, I was hoping we could talk about our expectations for cleaning and common areas to make this space as good as it can be for both of us. When would it be good for you to chat?” 

Try to make this suggestion when you think your roommate isn’t busy or stressed, and say it in person. Tone is easily misconstrued via text. Consider timing, too: having a conversation after you both return to your apartment from holiday break could be a natural time to reset the expectations in your space, or to kindly reiterate agreements that one or both of you have become lax on. 

Regardless of whether you and your roommate are friends or randomly paired strangers, another way to proactively avoid arguments is to spend intentional time together. This isn’t to say that you have to be best friends but, if you establish some type of rapport, it will be much easier to communicate and compromise when you inevitably experience conflict. Your roommate will also be more likely to prioritize your living agreements if they’ve interacted with you as a person outside of just discussing roommate logistics. 

Try having dinner together one night or doing your laundry together. Maybe there’s a school event you both want to attend or something on Netflix you could watch together. Or perhaps you just make a point to catch up when you’re both in the kitchen. 

If you’re experiencing tension with your roommate and feel nervous about addressing it, I recommend writing out your main points and reading them to yourself to prepare. Make sure you’re using “I” statements that are less likely to make your roommate defensive than statements like “You always do x y z!” 

Take deep breaths in through your nose and out from your mouth if you feel yourself getting upset during your conversation. It sounds corny, but it’s one of the best science-backed ways to reduce stress. 

If your conversation becomes unproductive, you might say something like, “I’m noticing that this chat is starting to get tense. Could we pause for now and return to it once we’ve both had some time?” If you live in the dorms, you could even bring in an RA to mediate the conversation. 

Conclude your conversation by collaboratively deciding on what you’ll both do going forward to minimize tension. Afterward, write down your top takeaways.

I hope this helps, Concerned Roommate. As you navigate your situation, take comfort in the fact that this arrangement is temporary and now you know what’s important to you to help you choose a more compatible roommate in the future.

Love,

Lucy