Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where writers anonymously share thoughtfully researched solutions to your questions about life. Send submissions through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form, and you might hear back from Lucy herself. This week we are talking about how to balance and nurture friendships and romantic relationships at the same time.

Dear Lucy,

How do I balance my friendships and my romantic relationship without neglecting one or the other?

From,

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

First of all, congratulations on having such a buzzing social life! You have a bae to cozy up with during these cold months and friends to go out and have a blast with. 

The fact that you’re asking this question shows that you value both your romantic and platonic relationships enough to seek balance between them. That’s the first step toward finding what you desire. 

Sometimes, especially when your romantic relationship feels new, shiny, and exciting, it’s easy to have tunnel vision and end up neglecting your friends. It’s quite natural to want to nurture that special connection you have with someone – so don’t beat yourself up about it. 

However, remind yourself that oftentimes, friendships predate relationships. It’s not about who was there first, but rather about honoring your commitment to the people who have been there for you in the past. 

According to a Psychreg study, romantic relationships during young adulthood were linked to higher depressive symptoms, likely because of the pressure and emotional ups and downs that come with young love. As people get older, those negative effects may often lessen — and romantic connections even become beneficial. However, friendships consistently support mental health across all stages of life (Psychreg News Team, 2025). I don’t want to be pessimistic — maybe this is the love of your life! Who knows! Just know that whenever things get hard between you and your special somebody, good friends will always have your back. 

Don’t ghost them until something goes wrong — it’ll leave them feeling replaceable and like they’re only there to fulfill your own emotional needs. One of the best things you can be is a good friend. 

This is not to say that you should mainly prioritize your buddies because of some what-ifs. Your partner should be among your best friends, and the person you are closest to (literally and figuratively). 

You don’t usually keep a toothbrush in your bathroom, have a side of the bed, or dress up in your nicest clothes to meet the parents — then nervously sweat through said clothes — for just any friend. Romantic relationships take a lot of effort and commitment. It’s not a good sign if you constantly blow off dates to go bar-hopping with the group chat. Being a good partner is also one of the best qualities you can have.

Another thing to consider is that when you neglect your friends for romance — and vice versa — both parties may grow resentful toward not only you, but also each other. Research has demonstrated how approval and disapproval from your loved ones cause issues within relationships. When your friends dislike your partner, it affects the romantic relationship, and when your partner doesn’t like your friends, it not only predicts the outcome of your friendships but also negatively impacts your relationship (Sinclair, Felmlee, & Sprecher, 2015). That seriously blows.

So what are you supposed to do? Is it possible to go on dates with your partner and hang out at your friend’s place? How can you keep them from hating each other? And all this while trying to make time for school, jobs, and yourself? This is my answer to you, Caught in the Middle. 

First, you have to seriously consider how your social life fits into your schedule — what days you’re free, what days you aren’t. You can’t give your 100% when you spend nine hours at school crunching for a midterm. It’s important to make time for yourself, too. This is ever-changing, so it will take active mindfulness, but trust me, it gets easier. I promise. 

Then, you need to identify the key difference between finding time and making time. You find time to go to the cobbler for the shoes you got off of eBay, or to clear your inbox. You make time for the people whom you love. Sometimes it takes inconveniencing yourself to do so — that’s the key to healthy and balanced relationships. 

For example, if your best friend asks you to go watch a movie on Saturday, but you already have plans to go on a jazz bar date, it’s okay to say no! But take initiative and replan during that same conversation. Avoid making them keep asking to see you. Don’t pick one over the other — whichever plans were made first should be the ones you follow through with, unless it’s something important like a birthday.

Try to spend reasonable amounts of time with each person. If your bae is sleeping over four nights a week, plan something with the friends you haven’t had the chance to see yet. 

It’s also helpful to communicate if you know you won’t have time to see your friends on any given week. You have a phone — use it! You’d be surprised at the wonders a FaceTime call can do for your relationships.

One final thing to think about: if your friends or your partner have an issue with how you allocate your time, you should be willing to hear them out. In the case that the person becomes overbearing and is intentionally trying to cut you off from your other relationships, please reconsider your boundaries and take a step back. 

The people in your life should be supportive and glad to see you happy — not envious or controlling. You, and you alone, have the right to decide how and with whom you spend your time as long as it’s healthy and productive. 

On that note, be good to your partner, your friends, and yourself. Humans are naturally social creatures — you need these kinds of healthy relationships in your life to grow. I hope you find the balance you’re hoping for. Treat others how you want to be treated. It is your first time being a person on this Earth. Give yourself grace.

Love,

Lucy