Love, Lucy is the New School Free Press’ weekly advice column, where editors share thoughtfully researched solutions to questions about your life. Send submissions via email to nsfplovelucy@gmail.com or through Love, Lucy’s official Google Form.
“Dear Lucy, I’m panicking over an inattentive friend. We’ve clearly grown apart and neither of us can seem to let go. How do you politely get rid of a friendship that clearly isn’t working out anymore”. – R.D. the amicable playmate
Dear Reader,
Older figures in our lives have told us that the friendships we make during our college years are forever. They are supposed to help us grow, be our bridesmaids or groomsmen, and possibly even an emergency contact. College friendships are long-lasting; Research from Purdue University showed that many friendships prevailed through the beginning of their lives after college.
But alas, you came to this terrifying yet much-needed realization. Your friendship is hanging by a thread, perhaps all the love from so many years is completely gone or no longer feels worth the effort.
The last straw could’ve been a number of things, from them borrowing your phone charger and not returning it or hooking up with your long-time crush right in front of you. Sure, some of it might’ve been small, but it led you to this rather difficult decision that is even more painful than any romantic breakup you have had to endure.
The thing about ending friendships is that you can’t make an agreement to be amicable like when ending a romantic relationship. When a romantic relationship ends, you can awkwardly wave hello, maybe be partners in a class, or hang out in groups and share a laugh. When friendships end however, you can’t promise to keep being cordial after, and it could possibly even affect a friend group you care about.
I have had numerous dramatic, jaw-dropping, screaming, crying, ripping my hair out of my scalp, and banging my head into the wall type of friendship breakups that lasted months when in reality the “breakup” could’ve been done in a 20-minute conversation. Through my own experience of getting “broken up with,” I have definitely felt left in the dust, seeking closure from something I would’ve never imagined and had no idea how to prepare for, and completely insulted. It’s safe to say I prefer a little awkwardness over drama.
Unfortunately, I do not know of a “best way” to end a friendship, because I don’t believe that exists.
It’s hard to hear that someone doesn’t like who you are anymore, it’s hard to come off as being “polite” when the act itself just isn’t. However, I have attempted to go about this in a way where neither of you are constantly seeking closure. By laying it all out honestly, even when it may sound a little harsh.
You must think about why you are doing this, what exactly is the issue? Some psychology papers cite that friendships tend to fall out due to distance, developing new relationships, or simply just not having your needs met.
Are they not fulfilling your needs, is the issue something you simply could never move past? Communicate this to them.
Be specific, but in a way that shows how they may have hurt you, or how you feel you are not growing with each other, or how you may not even be good for them. Your goal is not revenge. It is not to make them feel how they made you feel. It is not to hurt them. It’s about what’s best for both of you. Even if they aren’t necessarily your favorite person anymore. Allow this to be a conversation even if it’s the most awkward and tense conversation you have to be a part of. Take a breath, keep your cool, make sure you are listening the same way you would want to be listened to, and wish them the best. All of this is way easier said than done and takes time, and sensitivity, but could hopefully end in an agreement to cohabitate in peace.
Friendship breakups can also make us blame ourselves. “When a friendship ends, there is an added layer of guilt. You usually question your loyalty and your character when you break up with a friend” describes Dating Coach Francesca Hogi in an interview with Bustle.
Maybe there was something you would have changed or you were the one not growing. The only thing you can do after is make yourself grow and remember that you are capable of maintaining a healthy long-lasting relationship. Don’t go down the rabbit hole, and go out with the good friends you do have, treat yourself to a little extra free time, and get drinks at the place you loved but they hated. And just like a romantic relationship breakup, as cheesy as this sounds, everything happens for a reason.
You are allowed to miss them and reminisce on the good times, the friendship still helped you grow, even though it has now ended. I believe people enter our lives to teach us who we are. You can still appreciate those times and acknowledge that the present has changed, and look forward to the future. Use what you learned to maintain the friendships you still have. Maybe one day you both will be able to be a little more than cohabitants, maybe sharing an awkward wave or class partners.
Love, Lucy
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