Generation Y Can’t XO

Generation X-ers are terrified of the the word “millenial.” Visions of debt,  unemployment, selfishness, sloth, and selfies send shivers up their spines. Research into those born between 1982-2004 such as Jeane M. Twenge’s Generation Me and Kerry Mallan’s The Look At Me Generation found a consistent message: young adults today comprise one of the most self-concerned, competitive, confident and individualistic cohorts in recent history.

I was once defensive when I read the message above. After all, what does my credit score, employment prospects, self worth, or the amount of likes on my Duck-Faced Mirror Pics have to do with them? Turns out, my connection to them, to you, and our connection to others is precisely the point.

According to a study led by Sarah H. Konrath, titled Changes in Dispositional Empathy in American College Students Over Time, “…increasing narcissism and individualism reflect a diminishingly empathic society…[empathy] has declined over time among American college students since 2000…this finding is troubling, as dispositional empathy is linked with higher prosociality and lower antisociality.”

In its most diluted meaning, Konrath defines empathy as the tendency to react to other people’s observed experiences. I’ve come to understand empathy as not necessarily feeling for someone, but feeling with someone. And feeling with someone requires effective communication.

Empathy can’t exist without a connection to another. Connection’s foundation is communication. That’s where millennials seem to be struggling. Can you blame us? “…as younger people more frequently remove themselves from deep interpersonal social situations and become immersed in isolated online environments. These physically distant online environments could functionally create a buffer between individuals, which makes it easier to ignore others’ pain or even at times inflict pain on others.” (Konrath)

Millennials struggle with thoughtful empathizing because the digital age revolutionized the art of conversation. While we spend most time interacting with others behind cell phones, social media sites, rather than face-to-face interactions, interpersonal dynamics have changed because communication is now in isolation.

I’d argue a fear of intimacy isn’t exclusive to millennials, but the conditioning of telecommunication is. Computer screens and iPhones are effective buffers from empathy, making more space for superficial banter and shunned sentimentality. While I embrace and respect social media for what it is, I am concerned about its changes to interpersonal interaction. According to Konrath, reduction in empathy is consistent with increased telecommunication, while we more frequently remove ourselves from deep interpersonal social situations and become immersed in isolated online environments.

Since elemental skills of conversation and empathy are slowly disappearing, my experiences have led me to believe that millennials are consequently struggling with finding genuine connection. According to professor Andrew Reiner, this is a ramification of our conditioning. “There’s the familiar lyrics from their parents—rants about why grades, internships and anything else that makes their résumés appear more extraordinary trump romantic relationships.”

As a result, we’ve become relatively unfamiliar with empathy, emotional candor, intimacy, and even the power of vulnerability because telecommunication leaves us ill-equipped and we’re conditioned to focus primarily on ourselves instead of our interpersonal connections. Which is why, according to Social Isolation in America, authors argued that, “…people today have a significantly lower number of close others to whom they can express their private thoughts and feelings,” (McPherson, Smith-Lovin, & Brashers, 2006).

Fortunately, if empathy manifests from thoughtful communication – which can easily become learned and effectively practiced – then it’s not too late to change the course of our direction. My Mother is a jedi master of empathy. My whole life, I’ve watched her provide a space for people to be seen and heard. When I started paying attention to her social graces, I noticed that when she’s engaged with others, she’ll wait forty-five minutes before inserting herself. She surrenders to the ebb and flow of conversation, asks thoughtful questions, gives eye contact, feedback and even affirmation to the speaker. The speakers feel seen and know they’re understood. When she does hold the floor, she’ll communicate mindfully, listen thoughtfully, and elegantly pass on the spotlight to someone else. People shine when they’re in her company. As a result, she’s surrounded by meaningful connection.

If we want to prove Generation X’ers wrong, we can attempt to be more intentional about our empathy. We don’t have to wait forty-five minutes before actively inserting ourselves into conversation, but I think we could all benefit from consciously restraining our egos and seriously considering whether or not we’re actually listening to others or just trying to think of how we’re next going to respond to them. I know I’m always amazed by listening to others’ testimonies and observing how far others are willing to go to provide a space of empathy. When that conscious effort is gracefully provided, it’s a fantastic insight into their capability for connection. Apparently, our lives depend on it. As Dr. Dean Ornish said, “I am not aware of any other factor in medicine that has a greater impact on our survival than the healing power of love and intimacy.”